I am fat. Oh yes, fat. I know it's true. You know it's true. My entire life I've had a propensity to carrying extra weight (a family trait) and for years I've yo-yoed between 9 stone and 13 stone. Breaking point for me came in April 2007 when I looked at a photo of myself and just thought "Yuk". It was vile. Horrendous. Humongous.
A switch in my brain activated and I successfully lost nearly two stone in the next six months. I did it slowly and sensibly, with the help of nothing more than a free website (www.sparkpeople.com) and a daily one-hour walk along the seafront (and a lot of support from Andy). No stupid "you can't have this, you can't have that, potatoes are bad" diets, no pills, no quick fixes and no expensive gym membership!
So when I headed off to Spain I was a healthy 11st 2lbs and I managed (somehow!) to keep it off until I came back. Given the obscene amounts of alcohol and fried food I ate in Madrid, that's a miracle but nonetheless, it's true.
But now a lot of it has crept back on. That really shouldn't have come as a surprise to me. I know exactly how it's happened. Far too much food, definitely far too much alcohol and pretty much no activity that could really come close to being considered exercise. I have excuse after excuse - my back/leg don't allow me to exercise properly; I like socialising; I really want a couple of glasses of wine every day when I get in from work. Blah blah blah. And it's all bollocks. I like food, I'm greedy and I have very little willpower. That's the upshot.
But this morning when I strained to see past my jiggly tummy to see what the scales said, that switch in brain was flicked again. I promised myself back in 2007 that I would never go back over a certain weight and I have. So it's back to the website, back to sensible portions of healthier food (whilst not actually cutting anything out altogether because I believe self-deprivation always backfires) and a determination to go for a walk every day, rain or shine, knackered from work or not. If it means I have to turn down a few drinks/meal invites for a little while while I retrain my brain, then so be it.
My friends and family are, as always, lovely and say "No, you're not fat, you're fine" etc etc. I'm not suggesting that they're lying or that they're just being nice but I know when I'm comfortable and happy and it's not now. Time for action.
My family make no bones in telling me I'm fat, overweight, need to exercise and eat less, blah blah blah. I know they're right but the more they tell me, the more I rebel and reach for the chocolate bar! But I am overweight and do eat too much crap, though I don't drink alcohol at all because of my epilepsy. I'm joining a gym when Amy goes back to school but it's mainly to use the pool as I love swimming. I'll do the odd workout as well but it probably won't make a vast amount of difference unless I find some willpower from somewhere and cut out the rubbish!
ReplyDeleteGood luck in your quest to get back to feeling comfortable. There's no point anyone telling you that you look great if you don't feel it in yourself. Our self image is hugely important to our inner wellbeing.
CJ xx
Thanks CJ. I love swimming too but only in the sea. I can't stand public swimming pools, even the ones in gyms.
ReplyDeleteYou're certainly right about it not mattering what anyone else tells you, if you don't feel a certain way within yourself then they're wasting their breath. But bless them for trying. Though I think there's a difference between people telling you you're fat to the point that you (as you said) reach for the nearest chocolate bar, and them saying "OK, I appreciate that you're not feeling great about yourself. What can I do to help or support you to get there?" That's what most of us need - help, encouragement and support.
Good life choice Emma.
ReplyDeleteRecent research highlights that risk of death doubles for every 10 years that people are obese.
On a more ecological standpoint just think how much less energy will be required to cremate a thin person.
Also, the NHS have calculated that it costs over £14,000 a year more transporting fat people in ambulances (increased petrol costs, wear and tear etc.)
This all sounds a bit morbid so on a lighter note...what happened to the "We must stop feeding Emma" sign on your kitchen cupboard 20 years ago?
Ha ha. I'd forgotten that sign. I might have to make a new one and put it back up!
ReplyDeleteI saw that research the other day. Interesting. Mind you, looking around me sometimes, we shouldn't have a population problem to worry about within about 30 years!
4.5 lbs gone so far! Yay.